A Letter to my Son

Dear Tacoma,

It seems strange to be talking to you like this. I’m not quite sure where to start so this may be all over the place but I’m giving it a go.

Yesterday in therapy I talked a lot about missing you and the feeling of adding Topper, your sister, to our family. Oh yeah, even though I’m sure you were the first to know, you're going to be a big brother! You’re having a sister. Her name is Topper Tyde, and I am so hopeful she will have some of the same physical characteristics that we saw in you. Like for the love, please let her have blonde hair. I’ll even take those long toes and fingers.

I’ve been struggling a lot with feeling like I won’t know how to parent you when your sister comes, and honesty feelings of guilt for even wantinging another baby after losing you. So I want you to know that even though your sister is coming your mama and I’s love for you still continues to grow. We still think of you often and miss you stronger than we ever have. I am so excited to share with your sister the amazing brother you would’ve been and that you are the reason she is here. That without you, there would be no her. I did not choose to have your sister in order to replace you, or because you died. I am having your sister because you and your big sister both deserve to have a family full of siblings, a family full of love, memories and joy. I am having your sister because you showed me that I can do it. That I can grow, create, and love a beautiful soul that is half of me.

Thank you for being my first. Thank you for showing me what my body is capable of. Thank you for teaching me how to care for another human from the very beginning. Most importantly, thank you for showing me that healing is the best way to live and that I can conquer and do the hardest things. You are and always will be my reason for strength, purpose, love, living and healing.

This month has hit hard. This month is your month. September. The month that brought the first and last time that we would ever get to see and hold you. Your birth and your death day. It’s brought a lot of heaviness and some sparks of joy. You’ve made yourself known a lot, I’m getting all of your signs and I am so thankful for them. Keep sending them.

You are truly our sunshine. I love you more than you will ever know, and miss you so very much.

XOXO,

Your mommy