A Letter to My Wife

To my Cortney girl,

What a life it has been the last six years. Not only the whole six years, but specifically the last two that have shifted, rocked us, taken us out, built us back up, and made us completely different humans.

When I think about the two people we were six years ago, I think of innocence, hope, love, joy, light, and excitement. Innocence, because while we knew their was "bad" in the world, we never thought it could impact us. At least not anything we didn't sign up for willingly. Ya know, like raising other peoples kids for awhile, just to break our own hearts when they had to leave. Again; something we knew we were getting into. Hope that everything we were dreaming of would come true one day. Love that was so on fire, so intoxicating. Our love was, and still is, a feeling I will never grow tired of. A safe place that is full of security, trust, and patience. Joy and lightness; the kind of feelings you can't quite explain but can feel so deeply. And then there was excitment; the ever changing, always going, fun and adventurous things we were choosing to do. The excitment of getting to do and grow a life with someone who just got me and was hands down my favorite person to be around.

If I could go back to those days, I would. In an instant in a heartbeat, so quick. But also, I wouldn't change the days we are currently facing. If you had told me six years ago, that we would experience the life altering changes we have, I would still choose you a thousand times over.

Over the last two years, you have supported and challenged me in ways I have not enjoyed, but have come to appreciate. You took on a role that you never signed up for. When we said "yes" to forever, we never thought that losing a child would be a part of that plan.

They talk about people changing, marriages going through waves, relationships being tested and challenged, but until you're in the thick of it, you think it'll never be you. When Tacoma died, we both died a little, too. Pieces of us and of our hearts were taken with him. The innocence we once had was shattered in seconds. The lightness, the free spirit, the carefree worry- it went with it. And while I wish so badly somedays that it could come back I have to come realize and see that the person you are in front of me right now, is exactly who I have always needed and who I continue to want.

You are still the calm to my chaos. You are still the safekeeper of my heart and my brain. You are the person who brings out the side of me that most days, I forget about. While the days before felt easier than the ones we currently face, the days we are currently living are also the days we hoped for and dreamt of. They are full of challenges, but they are challenges that have brought us closer, stronger, and more resilience.

Even on the hardest days, it's still you. Even when you and the girls team up against me, I embarass you, or you question why I do the things I do... I am so glad to be doing and creating this life with you!

I love you, more than the most.

xoxo,

Sammy girl