Hi! I'm still here... Just a Little Deeper in the Grief

Hey, hi, hello, it's been a thirteen days since I last got to sit down and dump some thoughts out. I've talked a bit on Tacoma's instagram about where I am mentally but I've found with the few post I've made this is a really good outlet for me, too.

In the time I haven't posted we have celebrated Tacoma's first birthday, made it past the dreaded day our lives changed forever, got to visit his city, and created memories that we wish included him in a different way but are now some of my core memories.

A little something I wasn't quite prepared for in this time after his first birthday was the newfound stage of grief I would have. I've put in an EXTREME amount of work in therapy processing his pregnancy and his death through EMDR. If ya aren't familiar, look it up. WOOF! That sh*t is hard AND so helpful and healing. But really, it didn't prepare me for the next stage, which what really could? Probably nothing because the reality is each stage, each milestone, each day of mine and my families lives is now going to include grief and it's going to look different each time. I just have to figure out how to surf, so I can ride the waves a little bit better.

One big thought I had after Tacoma's birthday was that as we sang him happy birthday in the most beautiful spot was that the only thing that will change moving forward is the number of candles and the number on the balloon. His picture, it won't change. His presence will never physically be seen. We won't get to hear his little voice learn to sing happy birthday. We won't get to watch him learn how to blow out candles. This hit really hard, because again it was like the reality train came and knocked me out. Which is the strange thing about grief and death. I know that I have grief with me every day and I know that I feel it and it looks different each day. Some days it's happiness and joy, other days it's sadness and anger. That day it was just a train full of sadness and loneliness and longing and wishing that things were different in his story, in our story. It was a thought that had me replaying the day he was born over and over and just craving and wishing to hold him, smell him, look at him one more time.

That's the hard thing about pregnancy or infant loss. The memories are very short. The time that you have is even shorter. We never got to see Tacoma alive in the outside world. We have videos and images of him in my womb moving. We have sound recordings of his heartbeat but when he was born, he was silent. He was not alive. Our memories with him in the world with us are some of the most beautiful and also some of the hardest I have. All of which I treasure but again, something I hadn't thought about or realized until this first big milestone came up.

Anyways, I'm not sure if this staying on track and really this blog was just gonna be a brief like hey guys, I'm here just buried in a sh*t pile of grief and then this pregnant grief brain of mine went off. So let me just wrap this up by saying.

If you are reading this and you're here because you're grieving. Hang in there. It's not smooth waters but you can do hard things. If you are reading this to just support us and see what our life is like, welcome again and yeah it's still a mess. Either way though, thanks for supporting us and being present. The people who have shown up for us when we've been in the thick of it are truly our MVP's.

AND

Welcome to the next stage of grief and year two with me, I guess we're here whether I like it or not.

XOXO,

Sammy