Lions and Tigers and Triggers, Oh My!

Oh, triggers what fun little reminders you are- said no one ever. 

I mean, I guess maybe someone somewhere could have but not me. It's been nearly one year of this journey and I am still learning what my triggers are. In fact, I think I am just now RECOGNIZING that one- I even have triggers and two- what they are. Or let's just be real, I just avoided all of the things in the real world that I knew would be triggering, or at least thought might be. Good idea? Maybe not. Helped me to survive? Absolutely. 

So let’s just touch on what some of my triggers are, at least the ones I have identified. Let’s start with the obvious and then work our way to some that will have some of you like “girl, what the heck, why?” 

Most Obvious Triggers after the Death of my Child

• Pregnancy announcements

• Live birth announcements

• Baby showers

• The baby section at stores

• Newborn baby cries

• Our unused nursery-Tacoma’s room

• The clothes hanging in the closet with tags on them

• Ultrasounds

These were things that I was either exposed to daily, encountered at different times, or knew that one day I would have to address them. These were triggers I was aware of. Thankfully, my career choice has led me to the trauma world, normally on the other side of it, and I have taught coping skills and learning to identify triggers so I felt pretty prepared to handle these ones. Also, these were obvious. I knew that I would struggle with these things. They were things I either missed out on or that had a direct impact on my reason for landing on this path. With these triggers I was able to talk openly about them, work through them, and honestly be in Tacoma’s room without feeling complete chaos inside of my body or dissociating from the current moment- at least most of the time or I was able to catch myself in the moment and try to reorient myself.

Then there are the ones that my body kept the score with. The ones that I forgot about. The ones I didn’t even think of. The ones that recently have completely rocked my world. 

For those of you who maybe don’t know trauma or are lucky enough to not have experienced a big T trauma, you might be a little confused on what that means. Basically what I mean when I say my body has kept the score is that regardless of how much my brain has processed and “released” in therapy, my body has held onto things that it remembers from this time last year and has been like “hey brain, remember this?!” So during normal, everyday, or even just events lately I have caught myself doing or saying things that I’m like “huh, that was weird” or “well hmmm, my body feels strange” or like “whoa, wait what just happened?” and it wasn’t until I took the time to sit down and journal it all out that I was like “ohhhh duh. You’re triggered silly.” 

These triggers are the hardest for me. Especially because they are things that I don’t want to stop or things that I truly enjoy doing with my family. 

The Triggers I Never Saw Coming

• Football games

• The date of September 1st

• Cooler weather

• A specific coffee shop

• Fall festivals

• Parades

Some of these things might be more obvious now that I type them out and look at them. Again, knowing what I know about trauma, it’s no wonder the cooler weather was a trigger. However, it’s something I have always enjoyed that I was honestly looking forward to. Then it came and I was like “nope, no thank you.” The month of September, I knew it was going to be hard but truly I wasn’t thinking about how hard it would be until closer to Tacoma’s birthday. Then the first day of the month came and so did the tears. All day, at random times.Then truly one of the hardest, football games. Our nephew plays high school football and going to the games is something that we truly enjoy doing as a family. So learning that it was a trigger for me was really difficult. Fall festivals and parades, again, something we love doing together as a family, something I truly enjoy and something that I was sad now brought discomfort to me. 

With these triggers I had a few different options. One; go to the games, parades, festivals, coffee shops, etc and just dissociate the whole time. Two; avoid them like the plague. Three; be honest with myself, talk about the discomfort they were bringing me, why they were bringing me discomfort, figure out how to work through that discomfort, and enjoy them to the best of my ability. Honestly, none of these sounded fun or like something I was looking forward to. However, not only do I deserve to feel the joy that these things bring but my family deserves for me to be present during these moments. 

So off to therapy I went. I cried a lot that session. Tons of memories were brought up, a lot of connections to the above triggers were uncovered, and a lot of untrue beliefs that I had about myself and about the events. It was truly one of the most mentally exhausting sessions I’ve had but it was also the most relief. 

Triggers are hard to work through. Trauma is an unfair b*tch. Therapy is exhausting and challenging. However, therapy is also healing. Therapy, for me, has been the key to healing. Truly the key to learning to live again. 

{This is where I could insert my soapbox for the importance of therapy, while also recognizing what a privilege it is, but that’s not my point here.} 

My point is that triggers pop up anywhere and everywhere after a big trauma and learning to heal and work through them is a damn journey. It’s not smooth, it’s not easy. It is the bumpiest, roughest, most turbulence filled journey but truly the one that is most worth it. 

My life didn’t stop when my son died. My life didn’t stop when the trauma happened. My life took a different direction and I had two options. 

1. Sit, sulk, pity myself, give up, and stop living OR

2. Stand up, figure it out, work through the discomfort, take care of myself, be honest, and learn to live, again.

3. 
   

Option two was not my first choice, because it involved living a life without my son, without Tacoma, but option two is what I deserve. Option two is the one he would want for me and the one that my family deserves from me, too. 

I can’t change this chapter of my story but I can continue writing. 

XOXO,

Sammy